DAY 3 - August 16, 2004 - At Sea

Breakfast at the Windjammer doesn’t really offer all that much variety.

I don’t know what I was expecting, considering breakfast is the sort of meal that’s pretty limited. You had your standard eggs in any variety you could ask for: scrambled, sunny side up, plain omelettes, omelettes with ham and cheese, or shrimp or tomatoes or anything else you could ask for.

There were hash browns, sausages, bacon, potatoes, waffles, pancakes, French toast, donuts, croissants, cereal, oatmeal, grits, porridge and any kind of bread you could ever want.

This was our first full day at sea and we all decided we should go to Studio B, where there was supposed to be a shopping talk where they’d be giving away free diamond charm bracelets.

It was freezing in there because it’s usually a skating rink.

Dave, the shopping guy, was there and he was going to be giving away some stuff. Most of us were there, but Daniel was still in his room, sleeping.

The shopping talk was actually pretty boring and they were pushing this VIP pass book which had all sorts of coupons and gift certificates for free stuff that you could get in St. Thomas, which was the next port of call.

Apparently, everything in St. Thomas is duty free and the place is known primarily for two things: jewellery and booze.

They kept talking about something called tanzanite, which was this blue gem that was special to that area.

Since I’d never heard of tanzanite before, I kind of thought it was the same thing as cubic zirconia.

Dave, who happens to be from Montreal, threw out some free stuff, which people started diving after like he was giving away money or something even though the gifts were mostly cheap things like Frisbees and t-shirts.

After lunch, the ice skating rink was open, so we went back to our cabins to change into long pants.

The ice dancing cast was on hand to supervise and we were each handed a pair of blue ice skates.

As we sat down to untie our sneakers, the stench of foot odour pervaded the area.

They blasted pop music from the speakers as we went around and around in the ice rink.

It was pretty tiring being on those skates and we hung out at the rink for over half an hour. The blades seemed to dig right up into the core of each foot, making my feet ache.

Derek hung back a lot and watched the girls go by while the rest of us continually went around and glided, carefully keeping away from the people who were flailing their arms wildly.

Later in the afternoon, we decided to head out of the cold ice skating rink. Flo and I wandered up to the Windjammer out of boredom and found Derek there looking for a snack.

We sat down together at the centre table by the window and just sat there, eating apple crumble with whipped cream and little cakes as we watched the ship floating through a huge expanse of sea.

Everywhere you looked, there was nothing but water and blue skies.

Years from now, when I think back on this trip, this is the moment I'll remember. Don't ask me why.

Dinner that night was a Venetian theme. Halfway through our entrees, music suddenly filled the air and the waiters all started filing past in a line, criss-crossing the dining room before they all lined up along the grand staircase and performed an Italian song for us.

People all crowded around the balcony to watch and it was really fun to see them all.

The waiters, without a doubt, are the hardest working people on the ship. They not only service the dining room but also take turns with the Windjammer café, too. They’re up at insane hours and the little time they get off, they spend sleeping to rest up for the next shift so they can be chipper and happy when they greet and serve us.

Aunt Ying said that the comic from the late night show had said that the guests on the ship are so nosy. We ask the waiters all sorts of questions about their personal lives and then act horrified when we hear about the long hours they work and spend away from home. But really, the comic reasoned, we don’t really care. One minute, we’re being nosy, the next minute we’re like, “Give me my damn bread.”

We learned that Hera was married to one of the bakers and that they wanted to have a child, but they didn’t know how they’d be able to handle it and who would look after their child if they did. Would they leave the baby with one set of grandparents in the Philippines while they both worked for six months straight on the ship?

At this dinner, we’d gotten more accustomed to ordering as many appetizers and desserts we wanted, instead of being afraid of looking like complete pigs.

Hera often said, “If there’s something else you want to try, don’t hesitate to ask.”

Daniel is a very selective eater. He doesn’t eat sea food and doesn’t like overly sweet things. He refuses to touch anything with his hands and I’ve actually seen him eat a pizza with a fork and knife.

“He’s like that old guy from the Seinfeld episode who ate a chocolate bar with a fork and knife,” Flo said.

Tonight was another comedy show with another comic named Troy Thirgill.

Flo and I noticed the 3Ds walk in with another guy and we joined them in the centre row.

The white guy was named Dale and he from Utah. Apparently, he was only 15. He looked about 35, though, with thick glasses and sideburns. He looked like a blonde Elvis impersonator. Daniel said they should change their name to the 4Ds while they were on the trip.

Troy Thirgill was hilarious. He was even funnier than Hank McCauley.

The bit that Derek and Daniel loved to repeat later on was the part where Troy said men were full of shit and that you always know when they’re lying ‘cause they say, “I’m serious.”

(Impressed by my memory? Yeah, well, some of it had to do with the fact that I had to listen to Derek and Daniel repeat --- verbatim --- things over and over again. I sort of think of it as brainwashing.)

He pretended he was in a night club and imitated one of those annoying guys who think that all of the women have come to the club just to meet him. He said they use corny lines like, “Baby, was your father a thief? Because I think he stole the stars from the skies and put them in your eyes.”

When people started laughing, he said, “Don’t laugh. It’s actually worked for me. I’m serious.”

He said women were a lot harsher than men when it came to the dating scene. (Which I think is true.) He said that women gather in groups and when they see an ugly guy approaching, they're the harshest creatures on the face of the planet.

He did a spot-on impression, pretending to bite his nails.

“Oh my God! Is he coming over? Oh my God. He is, like, SO ugly! Don’t look over. Is he coming over?”

(That's actually something I've heard a friend say before. Ok. I've actually said it, too. But women are shallow cows...don't let them even try to convince you otherwise.)

He said the reason why we see ugly men with beautiful women is because ugly men are persistent and wear out the women until they finally agree to go out with them. (Sad, but true.)

Derek seemed to enjoy watching me laugh more than watching Troy. He kept glancing over to make sure I was still laughing.

Troy kept this running gag about how he needed to do laundry. After each major joke, he’d mop his brow and say, “I gotta do laundry” and then say he was down to two items.

One time, he said, “I’m down to a nursing bra and a sea patch.”

Someone hollered out, “Oh, you get sea sick, too?”

Troy just stopped and stared at him. “And that’s what disturbs you about the whole picture? A man with a nursing bra and a sea patch and nothing else on at the Laundromat and all you can think is that he gets sea sick, too?”

There was an ice dancing show straight afterwards and it wasn't anywhere near as lame as it sounds.

When you think about it, what they do is no small feat. They’ve got a really small rink to work with and they ship is moving. It’s not easy to leap into the air and spin around or to throw your partner up and always catch them.

At times, you’d be watching with bated breath, hoping nobody fell and got hurt.

But everything was pulled off flawlessly.

They performed to one song from Moulin Rouge and the energy was amazing. The costumes were elaborate and the fireworks and special effects were impressive. One of the ice skaters came out onto the rink and performed with a whole set of hula hoops. Watching them leap into the air and do a cartwheel without arms was a breathtaking moment.

For some reason, being on the cruise wasn’t as relaxing as I thought it’d be. You’re constantly on the go, trying to cram in as many things as possible and then you’re off the next day at some insane hour trying to get an early start on things.

And when you wake up, the room is pitch black and it feels like it’s still in the middle of the night even if the sun has already risen and the ship has already docked at the next port of call.